My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".๏ปฟ
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
My wife didnโt think Iโd give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
My girlfriend said to me last night, โYou treat our relationship like some kind of game!โ
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
Confucius knew the answers to all of lifeโs questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they donโt exist until they want something.
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
Itโs gone spiral
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. โWhat kind of name is Ving? Itโs so stupid,โ he said, frustrated. โYou know, you can get your name changed at city hall.โ โReally? Itโs that easy?โ โYeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.โ I paused. โI can drive you if you want.โ โThanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?โ โHow about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.โ โLee. I like it.โ Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldnโt just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasnโt deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Vingโs face changed. โWhatโs wrong?โ I asked. โYouโve been excited all day and yesterday for this.โ โI know, I know. Itโs justโ itโs my dadโs name too. I donโt know.โ Ving sighed. โI donโt think I can go through with it.โ Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. โDad!โ Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. โDonโt stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.โ
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160โฆSuddenly he thought, “Shit man, I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a good, solid reason for your insane speeding that I've never heard before, I promise you that I will let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Officer, few years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
https://ift.tt/3bzwcUG
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wifeโs house.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.