My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
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Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
Corona is taking “viral marketing” too literally
The new campaign is a killer
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf