My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
A lady who is cheating on her husband
There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding
When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration. “What’s a licence” she asks So the cop explains what a licence is. The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop. “I also need to registration” reminds the cop “What’s a registration” she asks So the cop explains what a registration is to her. “I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over. So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is. His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.” So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants. The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Halfway thru this sprint and team finds out last epic’s output ain’t functioning
https://ift.tt/2K4tudp
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…