My wife finally let me pick out the outfits this year šš¤

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
Why didnāt Dwayne Johnsonās downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because heās been living under a rock.
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so Iām happy even if you donāt like my joke!
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
Thereās a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
Theyāll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Do you know why I donāt like stairs?
Because theyāre always up to something
A man in an interrogation room says āIām not saying a word without my lawyer present.ā
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereās my present?
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like Iām gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Everybody knows Dave!
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I just drove my truck into a building!
Good thing I opened the garage door first.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself āthese should be free of chargeā.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded So he sits down with St Peter and says āLook, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless theyāve had a really bad dayā Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives āHi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules… youāre not allowed in unless youāve had like a really bad dayā The man doesnāt pause before screaming: āBad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway sheās lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I canāt find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and thereās this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And heās screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage… I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! Heās alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I donāt know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!ā Peter nods āwow yeah that is rough. In ya comeā. The next guy in line walks up, naked āHey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get inā āWell let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it… but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but Iām saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my faceā Peter nods… perplexed… āwow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go… nextā This other guy walks up, and Peter says āsame as the last two, youāve had to have had a bad day to get inā The guy looks at him and goes āOkay. So imagine this. Youāre naked inside a fridgeā
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."