My wife finally let me pick out the outfits this year 😎🤓
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book. “Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
