My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
They where made in grease.
But it’s growing on me.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
No text found
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Now we just have to call him Dav.
They were cooked in Greece.
Because he never wanted to fold
The second ones is a repost like this joke
So I pushed her over.
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
They’re free of charge
Sorry about the shitpost
I was in solitaire confinement.
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
„Were you even listening to me?!“
The opposite of right