My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
Asked my bud what he’d do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.
He couldn't say
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83