My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism?
He was gladiator.
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.