My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
A son walks in on his parents having sex NSFW
The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room. The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room The boy ask his mother what she was doing. “You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time” says the boy. The mother confused asks “what do you mean?” “Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”
I was born at a very young age.
No text found
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
