My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
everyone knows fries aren’t fried in France
they're fried in Greece.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
If Mustard cured constipation …..
They'd have to spell it different.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".