My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
and a Czech one too.
But, I just didn't have the patients…
"They just eat what bugs them."
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
you need to address that situation.
I'd have to change my name
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
.. p and a.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
But I'm clean now.
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
You get 8 more!
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Because they can't see shit.
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
Because it has two shifts
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
they keep eating their bats…
Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
The Crimea River.
"You know, one would have been enough."
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Only driven from time to time.
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.