My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
