My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Solo that no one will hear me
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
A new Jersey!
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
Then it clicked
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
His name was Rick O'Shea
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Do you know how to drive this thing?
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Alien vs. predator.
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
They become VERY ANGRY