My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
By the pound!
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
They were great yolks
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
it takes a lot to offend me
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
She has selfie steam issues.
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
She hates my mandates.
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. 'Gambling' she muttered. 'What kind of gambling?' the president asked. 'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.' 'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.' 'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. 'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!' 'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?' 'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. 'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!' The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. 'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?' 'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
and then it just clicked
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
I don't know and I don't care.
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.