My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
It sings and drives
John Travolvo
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G