My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club…
…with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up. The Godfather calls one of them over. “Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.” Jimmy swells with pride. “I got a job I need you to do for me” “Anything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.” “I want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.” Jimmy’s silent for a moment. “Um… excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me to—“ The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him. “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy snaps to attention. “Got it, Godfather. For the family.” Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, “Mission accomplished.” Then he goes back over to The Godfather. “So, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?” The Godfather says, “You’re a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.” Then he says, “Do it again.” “WHAAA—!” Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, “Ok, Godfather. Whatever you say.” This time he’s gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, he’s nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, “Is there…um… you got anything else, Godfather?” The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message. “Oh nooo…” The Godfather holds up one finger. “One more time, Jimmy.” This time, he’s in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, “Godfather, this thing you have asked of me: I’ve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything I’ve got. There is nothing left to give.” “Take it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy. “Here’s the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.”
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.