My wife is mad that I keep introducing her as “my ex-girlfriend”
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The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.