My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
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nothing tops a plain pizza
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Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
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Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
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My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
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I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
Quack cocain
You should always knock before opening the fridge..
Just in case there is a Salad Dressing
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Partners in the geology lab were upset that I didn’t share the earthquake data…
It’s completely my fault
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."