My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
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As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
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I told my teenage daughter to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.