My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time…
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
