My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
There’s a little known legend about Attila the hun
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle