My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon
I'll let you know.
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.