My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"