My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. βYou mean polio?β He shook his head and replied, βNoβ¦toe-lio.β He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, βWhen I was eight, I got the kneesles.β βYou mean measles?β βNoβ¦kneesles.β Then he removed his underwear. She sighedβ¦ βLet me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?β
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.
She said, βHoney, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, Iβm not lying.β
Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
Weβd better get some support or people will think weβre nuts.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: βHey, Iβm Jesus Christ!β The priest says: βNo son, youβre not.β So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: βMan, Iβm Jesus Christ!β Then the priest says: βNo son, youβre not.β Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: βHere, Iβll prove it.β He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: βJesus Christ, youβre back again?!β
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHEβS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam! He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot! Coach said to himself, βI got to have this guy. Heβs got the best arm Iβve ever seen!β He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl. The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom. βMother,β he yells over the phone, βWe just won the Super Bowl!β βDonβt talk to me,β the woman says. βYou abandoned us. You canβt be my son.β The young Iraqi begs, βMom, you donβt understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!β βI donβt care,β his mother snaps. βRight now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.β Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
What do you call a priest thatβs also a lawyer?
A father in law
How do the earthβs tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
What is Beethovenβs favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesnβt know how to continue to live her life. She heard that thereβs a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. βI have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and Iβm left with nothing. I donβt know what to doβ. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: βIs the cookie delicious?β βYesβ- she answer. βDo you want another one?β βSure, pleaseβ. The monk looked her in the eyes and said βDo you see the problem now?β The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, βI guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. Itβs never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for thatβ. The monk shake his head βNo, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
Who designed King Arthurβs Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
The people in Dubai donβt like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
What is Yodaβs last name?
Lay hee hoo
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
A house goes to the doctor complaining about its windows.
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, βI love you.β
The husband says, βIs that you or the wine talking?β The wife replies, βItβs me, talking to the wine.β
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary