My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry…
I’ll return.
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
![[OC] riddled with bugs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/sjs3htmk7ob41-400x446.jpg)
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
![Funnyandsad [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/7uz6q1ylknq41-400x655.jpg)
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
