My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry…
I'll return
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?
Hela Fast.
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories