My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
What do you call a caring prostitute?
Someone who gives a fuck
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Johnnie didn’t know what else to do to have sex with his wife…
… every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts. They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast: "I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!" So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex. "Mary, I won the best toast of the night!" "Really, what did you toast for?" But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well… I toasted to spending all my days in church!" So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile. "Mary… did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?" Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd… every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
I’ve opened a barber shop for rabbits.
We only do hare cuts.