My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child…
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
My teacher never farts in public.
She’s a private tutor.
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
What we call a monster we can’t find?
Wherewolf.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk