My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing…
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Not Enough Candles? No Problem! (Finally Found a Use For Binary In Real World)
https://ift.tt/2LQoHNK
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.
But it still has potential.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."