My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
…of the indoor fins…
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
They only do their jobs after they are fired
To beat the crowds.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Come see, come saw
his parents just died
I only know a whittle.
McDonald’s ice cream machine
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
They have anty-bodies
All the walls are load-bearing.
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
Where you put the cucumber
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
The horse says "Sure."
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Because it’s capsized.
It's about raisin awareness.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail