My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
![[Onutė (a name) looks so natural.] [You’re right, when she was alive, she looked like a corpse already]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/kyk6460th3y41-400x479.jpg)
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
I had the best Dad moment last night… *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”