My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That's the harvest part.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
Iām an eighthiest
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldnāt stomach my cheesy jokes.
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
Iām their new spokesman.
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
So, I got married once..
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
āIn English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.ā But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, āYeah, right.ā
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
The word āDiputseromneveā may look ridiculous,
But backwards itās even more stupid.
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, āDo you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!ā Trump replies, āI seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!ā So the Pope slapped him.
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
What do you call a person who doesnāt wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, thatās disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
Adam and Eveās Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
