My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Iβm trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isnβt working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
I have a maths joke
But Iβm 2Β² to say it
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that weβve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: βthis isnβt deodorantβ
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.
While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s) Letter βIβ: W: β I is for….. iguanaβ S: βiguana…. iguana go outside.β W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) βha, ha.β He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as Iβm approaching the ping I get a text β honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address Iβll tip $20β. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said thatβs weird and handed me a $20.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I hate two things
math
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
I canβt find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):