My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't.
She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown