My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
I’ll beheading there soon.
It sort of rolls off the tongue
A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to befriend this mute frog and to develop a system of communication with him. Basically the frog blinks once for Yes, twice for No, the tortoise does all the talking and asks all the questions and they get along just fine. Years go by and the frog and the tortoise have fostered a beautiful friendship. But as the frog has gotten older he has become sexually curious and desires to mingle with the other frogs his age. The tortoise senses this one day and asks the frog, ‘do you want me to take you to the pond?’ The frog blinks once for Yes. So the tortoise takes the frog to the pond and starts introducing him to all the other frogs. At first the frog is very nervous but the tortoise does a great job of explaining his disability and all the other frogs are very accepting of his condition. The mute frog ends up making a lot of new friends which boosts his confidence. And then the frog spies across the pond a beautiful girl frog. He can’t take his eyes off of her and the tortoise catches him staring. The tortoise says, ‘You like her, don’t you?’ The frog blinks once. The tortoise says, ‘You want me to go talk to her for you?’ The frog blinks twice for No. ‘I see,’ says the tortoise. ‘You wish you could talk to her yourself.’ The frog blinks once, a single tear rolling down his little frog cheek. ‘Well gee, my friend,’ says the tortoise. ‘We’ve been good friends for so long, I think I owe it to you to find a way to restore your voice.’ And with that the tortoise sets out. The tortoise searches all over the forest for days until one day he meets a snake who just so happened to be the most renowned surgeon of all the land. This snake could perform any surgery that exists. The tortoise explains the situation to the snake and asks him if there’s anything the snake can do for the frog. ‘Yessssss,’ the snake replies. ‘There issss one sssurgery I can perform that may ressstore your friend’sss voice, but you have to undersssstand, it’s very risssky. There’sss a fifty percent chance your friend won’t sssurvive the sssurgery.’ ‘Oh my,’ says the tortoise. ‘I’ll be sure to let him know!’ So the tortoise returns to the frog and tells him the news. ‘There’s this snake who might be able to restore your voice, but it’s a coin toss whether or not you survive the procedure. Do you want to go through with this?’ After a long pause, the frog blinks once for Yes. So a day is set aside for the surgery and on that day all of the creatures of the forest gather around the snake and the frog as the snake prepares his tools and the anesthesia starts to kick in. All the creatures of the forest look on anxiously, knowing that in just a few short moments they’re either going to hear their friend’s voice for the first time, or they’re going to lose him forever. And you’ll never guess what happened next. He croaked!
“Are you having a crisis?”
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
Exactly where you left it.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
A four-chin teller
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
I think I'll call it a day.
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
A small medium at large.
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.