My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
when it becomes apparent.
A man was a petrol station. He fills up his car but spills some on pertol his arm as he puts the pump away. He pays and leaves. As he drives away, he lights a cigarette and his arm on fire. He frantically waves his burning arm out the window and a police officer behind him pulls over and helps him put it out. The man thanks him profusely. The officer says, "No problem but unfortunately I'll still have to charge you." The man asks, "charge me? What for?" The officer replies, "unregistered firearm."
She's an essential oil worker now.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
All I wanted was one night stand.
It was hard to grasp.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
An animal cracker.
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
She got a full sentence.
you red that wrong
I'm not buying it.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
It's not your typical food sauce
Remains to be seen.
Its fucking FROZEN!
You so early
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
They were prime-mates
But usually he's pretty serious
So I turned on the air conditioning.
The punchline is too long.