My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
Even the cake was in tiers!
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
He became trans-parent.
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
They both wiggle when you eat them.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
They called it a day
She looked surprised.
Because water decreases concentration.
Its called inflation.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
But I called her Bluff…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Because its days are numbered
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I mean how low can you go!?
Because it has two shifts
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
But none of them work.
I don't get the difference.
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
May he roast in piss.