My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
It only feels like a maternity!
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
So I packed my stuff and right.
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
I have fortitude.
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Because Monday is a weekday…
One. They are efficient but not funny.
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in