My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
What do you call a child born in a whore house?
A Brothel Sprout
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors?
It had a reptile dysfunction.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A family at the dinner table
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious