My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
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Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I'm worried he may be in a colt
It kept crashing with kernel errors.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
I then came in cider.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
and I won't rest until I find it.
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
And then it clicked.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Now made with 98% recycled content.
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender