My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
Interactive joke
There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. Remember: 3 stories. The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?" The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?" Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?" Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
Anti-joke warning
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
No text found
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
everyone knows fries aren’t fried in France
they're fried in Greece.
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will