My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
no words
no words
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.