My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Ship of Fools…
asking for a friend
The Struggle Is Real …
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
I don’t think 11.5” GI Joe even exists anymore.
Lol soooo true
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Saint Ricky on God Emperor Bone Spurs.
Can Confirm As a CS Student :(
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Machine Learning Fun
Why they have Scoreboards at Ball Games….
Damn millennials with their computers!
In 2016, Hillary warned us about the corrupt greed of King Mango
What do you call a magical bra?
Does this count?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
This guy speaks nothing but the truth
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
mmmm i’ll leave this here
Credit for original goes to u/SuperYan147
Programmers are immutable
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
they came for me
The truth is in there somewhere
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I’ve never felt more prepared
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Give ’em hell, Robert!
In search of brains!!
Somethings off here…. can’t put my finger on it🤔
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Orange don’t crack, I guess.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
I seriously learnt nothing in school
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
Seen this gem in Sandestin Fl last week.
Sums it up pretty well
Literally (Idk if this has been already posted here)
So this might have been posted before but…
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom. She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week! The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit. A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day. The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. “Why is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses. That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit. They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night. About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
It be like that.
Damn! Quora it hurts
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
I may be able to program but I can’t title
What has two butts and kills people?
The backend vs the front-end
I will never give up my for loops.
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
Somebody share this on r/conservative
My dad just sent me this. Rip
A valence electron.
Up hill, both ways
Ah yes, wife bad.
Oh Java, never change
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
Found on an Instagram meme page
Dont let your dreams be dreams. I believe in you xx
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
Your stone tablet sure does get some good reception.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.