My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
What do you call a comedian who canβt remember the punchline
Idk Iβm the one whoβs asking
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didnβt think that would make any cents
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
Heβs also going to see Stan Lee next week!
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.