My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Joke
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him