My wife somehow sucked her hair up on the vacuum and it got so tangled she had to just rip that whole piece off
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
A Canadian..
Can't.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
