My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
2 guys having a drink in a skyscraper.
Up on the 57th floor at a bar, 1 says to the other: "Did you know, if you jump out of this window that the air pressure gets so great by the 10th floor you'll get sucked straight back into the window at the 9th." The 2nd guy replies: "No way, that's bullshit." First guy says "I'm telling you it's true…" 2nd guy replies: "OK, Prove it. Jump out, if you make it back up here I'll buy you a drink." First guy: "OK, you got a deal." He opens the window and without hesitation, jumps out. The 2nd guy panics and runs over, but it's to late… The first guy is already plummeting down to the ground. He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… Just as he predicted, he is sucked into the window on the 9th. He catches the elevator back up to the 57th floor, goes to the bar with a big smug smile on his face and says to the 2nd guy: " Double Whiskey, straight on the rocks." The 2nd guy can't believe his eyes… He buys the drink but is convinced that he has been swindled. He says: "That was a set up… Or a fluke… Do it again… And I'll buy you 2 drinks." The first guy laughs, and replies: "OK, No problem. I'm telling you it's physics, no luck or trickery involved here. Just watch." He walks confidently over to the window (wobbling slightly from alcohol) and jumps out. The 2nd guy is looking with intent, sure he will find out what's going on and how the trick works. The first guy plummets towards the ground again, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… he is sucked into the window on the 9th yet again. He catches the elevator back to the 57th floor and walks in, smugger than before. Yells over to the bartender: "2 double whiskeys, on the rocks." The bartender shakes his head in dismissal, but poor the drinks. The guy then stumbles over to the 2nd and says. "Now do you believe me… Go on, give it a go, it's exciting… Tell you what, I'll get you 3 drinks if you do it." The 2nd guy is hesitant… But having watched it been done twice with a very watchful eye.. Figures, he can't argue with science and decides to give it a shot. He tentitevely walks over to the window, sits upon the ledge… The first guys is stood by his side and cheers: "Go on! You can do it!" With that, the 2nd guy jumps. Screaming and terrified as he falls towards the ground at terminal velocity… He is hurling towards the street, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th, floor… The man is screaming, petrified for his life. "OH GOD I'M. GOING TO DIE!! HEEEEELP!!!!!!." He zooms past the 3rd… 2nd… Floor… He is headed face first for the curb… Suddenly the first guy appears from nowhere and catches him… The guy, still terrified but now puzzled and in disbelief. Overjoyed that he was saved… " How…. How did you do that!?" The first guy replies (still tipsy and slurring) … "I owe you 3 drinks." They catch the elevator to the 57th floor and walk into the bar.. The first guy says: "I'll have a double whiskey and this guy will have 3." The 2nd guy is traumatised from the experience he just went through… Shaking in the corner of the bar. The bartender, having seen and heard everything says to the first guy: "You know, you can be a real dick when you're drunk Superman."
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the TV’s joke?
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.