My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
all I did was take a day off
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
The Czech Republic
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
I'm also 100% in prision.
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
That’s a lot to digest.
I found it a little hard to swallow.
It's my second language
I was beside myself.
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
It was pretty time consuming
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
Imagine all the people
Your pupils. They dilate.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
These are uncurtain times
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
Mostly because his name is Steve