My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
There’s no home page
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
I have selfish steam issues.
That would be admitting that 2021
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
I'm really not a mourning person.
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
…we’ve drifted apart.
I’ll tell ya later
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
but with extra steps!
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
but when I do, he laughs.
Swans listened to her rock and roll
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Those were the Good Years.
I havent seen him since 2005
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't