My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
there would be mass confusion.
7-up in cider
An Impasta (First post here)
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
I think I'll pass.
Its literally made of hide.
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
only a fraction of people will get this joke
Ever try to iron one?
I guess I need to re-pair it.
We opened for The Doors
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
You probably aren't thinking straight.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
… what should I feed it?
Because he hated capitalism.
I don't listen and something else…
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
Eventually we drifted apart.
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"