My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
Ask them for their watergraph.
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
They just don't know it yet.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
But they just never work out
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
Install new lox.
They’re making all the headlines…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
A Sharpei 🖊
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.