My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
You’ll get Jurasskicked
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
But everyone keeps saying it's private
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
.. they would eventually find me attractive
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Even our cake was in tiers.
Religion brought them together.
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
Because he was resisting a rest.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
It's fine, he woke up.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
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But it's what's inside that counts
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
And boy are my arms legs
That's a wrap
Worst way to check your balance. crickets