My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
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John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
What does a house wear?
Address
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.
“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him. “No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"