My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."