My wife told me that I’m lazy and to start exercising so I hired a personal trainer. I’m kinda dissapointed though.
Weird way to start a conversation.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
Thank God it came back negative…
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
…have the same middle name
Now she's a shovel
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
A deck of carbs.
A seasoned veteran
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
It nuts and bolts
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
The guy says, "Who is this?" "Hey dad it's me," answers the boy "Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks "Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers "Where is your mother?" asks the man. The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman." The man is fuming and says to the boy, "Listen very carefully, I need you to do something." "What will I have to do?" The man tells him, "I want you to get my gun from the garage, and then come back." The boy puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then the boy comes back. "Now what, Dad?" He asks. "Go upstairs to where your mum is, and shoot her and whoever she is with." The man hears footsteps, then two gunshots, and the boy comes back. "What do I do with the bodies" the boy asks The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the boy answers, "But we don't have a pool." There is a long pause, before the man answers. "Sorry, wrong number."
It weighed won ton.
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Marry, Marry, Marry
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
And I'll fucking do it again.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
It was called Diffi cult.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
My pimp would beat my ass
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
I save money by filling up just the tank.